Forgiveness (Part Two)

As I walk into this cold, dark, gloomy courtroom that is within the prison that I have built for myself… that is protected by a steel wall, rabid pit-bulls, and triple bobbed wire fencing… I see myself, my daddy issues, and God all sitting there ready to take the stand for questions. I am fearful because I am honestly afraid of my own thoughts, my daddy issues, and God… of them all I fear my own thoughts the most. 

As I walk down the aisle, prepared to confront them, I am looking straight… encouraging myself… reminding myself that I want to be set free therefore this confrontation is necessary… I am walking and looking straight because I know if I dare to look at them before I make it to my seat, I know that I am going to turn around and run out of here back to my cell… so I am looking straight with my briefcase in my hand and MIGHT I ADD… I AM LOOKING GREAT!

First to take the stand is myself… The time has come, and I have to look myself in the eyes and ask myself the tough questions… here we go…

DO YOU SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH?

I DO…

Lindsey what are you afraid of?

I am afraid of lots of things can you be more specific?

Ok… Lindsey what are you afraid of that is stopping you from forgiving yourself and keeping you locked in this prison?

I am afraid that if I trust my own feelings, I am going to continuously break my own heart.  I am also afraid that if I allow myself to trust people, I am allowing an opportunity for hurt and pain to enter into in my life.  That is why I choose to stay home, secluded, because if I stay in my OWN home NO ONE CAN HURT ME THERE (says Lindsey ever so confidently insecurely)

Lindsey didn’t you say that allowing someone an opportunity to fall from grace is necessary because no one’s perfect?

Actually, Dana, my counselor, said that but I do agree because no one is perfect.

** 👀Me giving Lindsey the side-eye for trying to get smart with me🙄**

Why are you allowing people to stop you from living your life to the fullest and creating new memories through new life experiences… GOOD AND BAD?

My problem is I give too many chances, opening up my heart too many times for people to hurt me… if I stay secluded then they can’t hurt me… simple 🤷🏽‍♀️.

Lindsey does this sound familiar… “Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times? I do not say to you seven times but seventy times seven times.” (Matthew 18 21-22)… LINDSEY YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE THEM UNTIL IT DOESN’T HURT ANYMORE.

But after being hurt so many times, its starts to weigh on my mental health which causes me to overthink everything. And I do want to experience new things and travel, but the fear of not making it back to my chern scares me…

Lindsey does this sound familiar, “The Lord is my refuge, and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent, for he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways…” (Psalms9-11)… you have to take God with you wherever you travel and know and BELIEVE that all will be well because he has sent protection with you.

What else do you fear that is keeping you from leaving this prison?

I am afraid that I will fail, and failure scares me.

How do you know you are going to fail, have you tried?

I have thought about trying but no not really tried.

I see… Lindsey, is it true that you have a business plan, a book, a journal, a podcast plan, and the tools to start everything that you want to do but it’s just sitting on your computer or in your office?

Yes, that is true. But I don’t have everything.

Yes… YES YOU DO! Before your mother knew you, God had given you everything you need to walk in purpose.

I never thought about it like that…

Girl … stop stopping yourself from being great and get to it.  You are standing in your own way of your own greatness, your own happily ever after… YOU ARE GREAT… YOU WILL BE GREAT… AND YOU WILL FAIL… when you fail you can’t allow it to stop you but allow it to teach you so that you can grow from that failure. 

Is there anything else that is keeping you here?

The fear of falling in love, because when I fall in love with someone, I allow them into my most secret places… EVEN WHERE MY DEMONS PLAY… and before when I allow someone to see all of me it scared them away as if I was too damaged.

Lindsey whomever is supposed to be in your life… whomever wants to be in your life… will not be afraid of your secret places… and they will protect you from your demons… and I DO NOT WANT TO EVER HEAR YOU SAY THAT YOU ARE DAMAGED BECAUSE THAT IS NOT PLEASING TO KTARI’S EARS…

SAY THIS WITH ME… “BROKEN CRAYONS STILL COLOR!” … NOW SAY IT WITH YOUR CHEST… “BROKEN CRAYONS STILL COLOR!”

LISTEN, it’s ok to overthink but it’s what you do with those thoughts that matters. You can forgive people Lindsey and move on because the moving on is for you not them… forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you have to allow them back in your life in the same role that they hurt you… it simply means that you are able to extend the same grace and mercy to them as God has done for you if they ever come back into your life again. You cannot stop yourself from living because of fear… You have to forgive yourself for allowing the fear of everything to hinder you from being GREAT… I want you to believe in yourself because you are worthy of everything your heart desires (Ceejae tells you that often… right? and he says that because it’s true)… Lindsey, it is time to forgive yourself of what happened in the past and kick fear to the curb and live my love…

I LOVE YOU DEEP MY BELOVED… YOU MAY STEP DOWN… 🍎

To be continued…  

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