Forgiveness (PART ONE)

“And whenever you stand to pray, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” Mark 11:25

Google defines healing as the process of becoming healthy again. Grief is defined as suffering from loss which causes sorrow and distress. Grief is not limited to the death of a loved one… one may grieve the end of something and/or situations that are important to him/her… job, relationship, friendship, pets, etc… you will grieve anything and anyone that you had a close attachment to… Healing from grief is a cycle and like any cycle you will always start back at the beginning (I learned that in counseling). My counselor told me early on that you will grieve the same issues more than once, but each time will be different. Issues are layered and you cannot heal LAYERS in just one cycle. I have lots of healing to still do and I think the first place I need to start is FORGIVENESS.

According to google to forgive means to stop feeling angry or resentful towards someone for an offense, a flaw, or a mistake… I agree.  Forgiveness is important to move forward in life… however, forgiveness, for me, is DIFFICULT.  I thought I had this “forgiving folks” thing down pat… I thought I had forgiven myself, others, and even God but all I did was build a wall of protection that was/is “in my mind” keeping me from getting hurt again.  I built a wall that “in my mind” keeps me safe from any and every thing that could/can cause me any type of hurt.  “In my mind” the wall that I built is steel and protected by RABID PIT-BULLS and triple bobbed wire fencing, because in those moments it is my goal to never EVER get hurt by that person or those people again… “in my mind” I am setting boundaries. 

Recently what I realized, through unwarranted conversations and self-reflections, that the wall that I have built around “my hurt”… that was caused by others and as much as I hate to admit it, hurt that was caused by myself as well… is a wall that is actually keeping the hurt in and I have actually built myself a prison and holding myself captive.

Here I am thinking that I have healed from past trauma but really all I have done was created a prison for myself. 

I have tried to simply walk through the front door countless times because honestly, I am FREE but when I go outside to smell the fresh air of freedom and begin to look around and see the steel wall with rabid pit-bulls and triple bobbed wire fencing protecting it, I run back into my prison for protection… which is crazy because people are thought to be placed in a prison to protect the outside world from their wrongful behaviors… I didn’t do anything wrong to belong in a prison but I run back into my self-made prison and proclaim that I will deal with my issues on another day… knowing all that I do, I still retreat back to my self-made prison to protect myself from my hurt… crazy right… I don’t understand it either… I have tried to escape from my bondage through windows, the roof, and even a tunnel underground like EL CHAPO but through of those all routes I had to face that steel wall that’s protect by rabid pit-bulls and triple bobbed wire fencing, so, like always, I retreated back into my prison.

THE ONLY WAY TO BECOME COMPLETELY FREE IS FOR ME TO WALK RIGHT OUT OF MY SELF-MADE PRISON THAT IS PROTECTED BY A STEEL WALL WHICH IS PROTECTED BY RABID PIT-BULLS AND TRIPLE BOBBED WIRE FENCING STRAIGHT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR!

Why do I have to walk out of the front door in order to be completely FREE from my self-made prison? Simple, because I must face every issue/reason why I created the prison in the first place.  That means first I have to face my issues.  

  • Hurt from self
  • Daddy issues
  • Hurt from God

SO NOW YOU SEE WHY I CANNOT JUST WALK OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR… RIGHT BECAUSE IT’S SOOOOOOOOO SCARY?

Once I can look at my reasons for my steel wall that’s protected by rabid pit-bulls and triple bobbed wire fencing, next I am going to have to confront them. I LOVES ME SOME CONFRONTATION, EXCEPT WHEN I AM CONFRONTING MYSELF… I get annoyed with myself very QUICKLY… going 0 to 100 REAL QUICK… but I can’t do that when I am confronting these issues… why… because I am confronting myself and how would that look if I gave myself a black-eye… crazy right? … RIGHT! But I have to confront these issues because they are hindering me from truly living, from truly loving and allowing myself to be loved, and from walking in my purpose… and y’all know I am all about my purpose! Before confronting my issues, I need to understand the purpose of confronting them… the “WHY”… from that “why” is how I will create my plan to defeat and overcome my issues… NEVER CONFRONT AN ISSUE WITHOUT KNOWING AND UNDERSTANDING THE “WHY” AND HAVING A PLAN…

Once I understand my reasoning for the confrontation, and once I have a plan, then, I will need to set my plan in motion… the goal for me is to tear down that steel wall that was created because of my hurt, that is protect by rabid pit-bulls and triple bobbed wire fencing… I want to complete destroy that wall as if I am bringing down WALLS OF JERICHO (JOSHUA 6:1-27).  I want to completely destroy the wall, the triple bobbed wire fencing, and kill the dogs… why?… because when I am finished confronting my issues the goal is to never, ever, EVER need that protection again. 

Finally, when everything is said and done, and the dust has settled… I want to be able to walk out and away from my self-made prison with only memories of where I was… what happened while I was there… how I left… and the strength I gained from destroying it and walking away. 

Stay tuned…

Love,

The Chic Educator 🍎

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