I Want to Die Empty

The hardest battle to fight is the battle against yourself.

If you know me, like really know me, then you know that slaying any dragon or Goliath that comes my way is nothing to me. I am always on GO MODE… except when it comes to slaying the Goliath that lives within me.

I am not a stranger to a fight… as a matter of fact I welcome them with open arms. I will debate anyone, anytime, anywhere… I remember once I argued with the pastor in the middle of church… Ktari and my granny were so embarrassed but that is me… I always welcomed confrontation. I am always willing to go to war for my career, my spiritual beliefs, friends, and family and I will never allow anyone to disrespect someone I love. To say that I am a very passionate person is an understatement but when it comes to me, Lindsey, I am very passive, I allow myself to talk down to me… I allow myself to be so negative to me and I just accept it.

Every day I awake, I have to prepare to battle with my two arch enemies, depression and anxiety.  AND JUST FOR THE RECORD, DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY ARE REAL… THEY ARE NOT THE DEVIL.  Every day I awake, I have to fight depression and anxiety, some days they win and some days I win… some days I just lay there and let them beat me and just take it and some days I fight the good fight and win but every day no matter the circumstances , no matter how I am feeling, they show up ready to battle with me.

It is very exhausting to have to fight every day because when you are hearing your own voice telling you what you can’t do, why not you, questioning your every move and thought process, it is very tiresome. Recently, I created a mental health journal for educators/working professionals to whom needs a safe place to vent… I spent months, days, and hours on this journal getting it exactly the way I want it only to save it to my cloud and to talk myself out of publishing it. I was so excited about it… I shared it with my family and friends, and they were excited about it as well… but then I began to allow me to talk me out of publishing it and I even had an investor.

Recently I was dating this guy and everything was going great, he was showing lots of interest in me… he bought me flowers and took me on dates… we didn’t have a title, just enjoying each other, but then my thoughts started going to questioning my worth and value… am I good enough to date him… do I have his attention and if I do how do I keep it or if I don’t how do I get it… every negative thought produced another negative thought and eventually my negative thoughts got the best of me and I eventually ruined the friendship, putting me back at square ONE 😩… CIRCLING THE MOUNTAIN YET AGAIN.

Why, why do I always do that to myself… why do I always doubt myself… why do I always cheer for everyone else but accept failure and worthlessness for myself? Why is it that I will fight the biggest giant for everyone else and argue with passion for anything and anyone that I believe in but when it comes to me, Lindsey, I accept failure. My friends and family know that if they want to talk failure, I am not the person to call because I am going to fuss and get them together because THEY WILL NOT FAIL NOR GIVE UP…but why can’t I have that same attitude with myself? Why is it so difficult for me to go to bat for myself AGAINST MYSELF?

On the days that I defeat depression and anxiety, my victory comes from the faith that I have in God’s ability to show up for me. I tell myself that God is bigger than my problems and I BELIEVE IT, I KNOW , I FEEL IT… on the days that I lose the battle with depression and anxiety I feel like God has abandoned me… leaving me to suffer and die alone.

I have decided that I am going to change my thinking about me completely, POSITIVE THINKING ONLY, by affirming:

I AFFIRM THAT I KNOW WHO I AM… A WARRIOR!

I AFFIRM THAT I AM WORTHY OF LOVE AND THAT I AM ENOUGH.

I AFFIRM THAT I WILL SUCCEED AND I WILL WALK IN PURPOSE ON PURPOSE.

I AFFIRM THAT I KNOW THAT I AM ENOUGH.

I AFFIRM THAT I BELIEVE THAT I AM ENOUGH.

I AFFIRM THAT I WILL SHOW UP FOR MYSELF DAILY.

I am going to give myself my all because I deserve that… I deserve to show myself that I can accomplish whatever I put my mind to… I deserve to have someone in my life (besides God, family, and friends) that loves me unconditionally… I deserve to give myself everything that I have in me… God deserves for me to live in purpose, on purpose and to DIE EMPTY.

Love, 

The Chic Educator 🍎

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