My Beautiful Nightmare

“My sweet dream turned into my beautiful nightmare.”

Growing up we all had an idea of what we thought life was going to be like… for me I thought life was going to be like “A Different World”… go to college, date guys, party, get married, and start making lots of money. I kept that image in my head for a long time. That image was going to be my “HAPPILY EVER AFTER” but boy was I living in a fantasy world. Yes, I went to college and I did party… I dated but he was nothing like Dwayne Wayne… that’s another story for another time… but I still was chasing that happily ever after. I continued fulfilling “The Prophecy” that I created for myself… that happily ever after that I so desperately wanted… I started my career… became a mommy… bought a house… and my dream was almost fulfilled but I was missing “THEE guy” so I went on a search to find “THEE guy” I kissed a few frogs but none of them turned into my prince except one…

BUT, although he turned into my prince I was not his princess… so he continued to chase butterflies hoping to catch that special one and boy did I want to be that special butterfly for him… you see he had all of the fixings… he had the dreams, goals, ambition, he had the education, the style, and the charm, and the sex was top notch… he checked many of my boxes on my list but I did not check any on his list. I began trying to fix myself to be what I thought he wanted (can you believe I wanted to fix what God created… his masterpiece)… I changed my hair… I started making different decisions about my career… I started dressing differently… I was determined to become the woman he wanted. Every time I thought things were going right, he would tell me what was wrong with me as to why he couldn’t be with me. For 5 years I picked myself apart… hating myself while trying to love him… why did I hate myself because I wasn’t what he wanted… you see he was my dream man… he came with everything but I wasn’t it for him… I fantasized about life with him… I saw us growing old together and traveling the world together… I put my life on hold waiting for him to see me… to value me… to want me… I changed my schedule to work around his schedule and he squeezed me in once every few months… I wanted to spend time with him and he tolerated my presence… keeping me on a schedule… giving me small windows of his time…. I had to hide and be a secret, while he showed the other women off like a new piece of jewelry. (can you believe it he wanted to hide this beauty… this queen… crazy right)

Unbeknownst to the both of us, we both emotionally abused me… he emotionally abused me by getting me hot one minutes and then icing me the next (had me thinking we were moving in the right directions and then he switched directions on me) and I emotionally abused myself through the act of continuously hurting my own feelings by turning a blind eye to what was real because I wanted that relationship badly… I called first (at the beginning I did but stopped because he never answered), I texted first, I planned dates, I did all of the chasing and he did all of the running… the thirst was definitely not mutual…

The saying “A person is only going to do what you allow.” is real and I allowed it to go on for 5 years… until one day I said I’m tired now (my sister, Ktari, use to always say, “Only you know when you have had enough.” ) I had, had enough and I was tired… I did all I could to try to convince him to love me… to want me… but nothing worked… I turned down guys, dates, trips, and friendships because I didn’t want to be occupied when he decided that I was good enough…

When I decided that I was tired… I was tired of hurting myself… tired of being on that emotional rollercoaster… I was tired of chasing the ghost of my fairytale that turned into my beautiful nightmare… Once I recognized that I was tired was the exact moment that I decided am enough for ME… for Keeghan… for my nieces and nephews… for my siblings… for my friends… for my momma… I am enough in every aspect of my life and I am definitely good enough for God… I am enough… I was trying to put my crown in the hands of a man that could careless about my crown and if it was or wasn’t on my head… who cared even less about if it was protected or not…

My once sweet dream… my happily ever after… my fairytale turned into my beautiful nightmare… the nightmare was beautiful because although I was hurting myself and allowing someone else to hurt me, I also found my strength… I found out who I really am… I found my faith in God… and I found a deep love and gratification for myself… I became MORE than enough for me…

I will never put my crown (peace joy and happiness) in someone else’s hands again… I will protect my own crown and the jewels that lie underneath it… confidence, self-worth, self-esteem, self-love, joy, peace, and happiness… amongst my faith, intelligence, vulnerability, my flaws and scars, and most importantly ME… I am responsible for protecting it all… not my momma, siblings, children, friends, coworkers, nor a MAN… ME and ME alone is responsible for protecting my precious jewels and I am doing just that… it’s not easy but it’s worth it… sometimes my crown gets heavy… sometimes it tilts and slides but I can promise you one thing it will never leave my head to be placed in someone else’s hands again…

This is my testimony and I am sharing it with you to encourage you that you are enough… you are worthy… you are worth it… you are and have everything you need to be loved and cherished… know that… believe that… and understand that… grow from that!

Sidebar: This was not shared to bash a man because he and I are friends but I am no longer chasing a relationship with him… I accepted what we have which is a great friendship. He is going be a wonderful husband to some lucky woman but it just wasn’t meant to be me. God is going to send me a king when he knows I am ready for him and I’m excited about that 🥰.

With my DEEPEST love,

The Chic Educator 🍎

#PROTECTYOURCROWN #YOUAREWORTHIT #YOUDESERVEIT #LOVEYOURSELFFIRST

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