Dear Ktari,

It’s been two years… the day is the second Saturday in February but the date is 2-10-18 💔… Ok… here we go

Hey girl! OMG I miss you… let’s see…. I have so much to tell you… well as expected I started school for my Ed.S… I know I told you that I was going for my Ed.D but I am not writing that dissertation.  Myrakel had an amazing 16thbirthday trip and she spent her 17th birthday with her friends. And girl she has her driver’s licenses and she’s a registered voter… she is ready for that Jeep Wrangler I guess.  She’s still dancing her heart out… I am trying to get her to New York for the Macy’s Day Parade so she can dance like Lay did… but that price is a little steep because you know she’s not going alone.  I did get her to go to grief counseling… she went through all of the stages of grief… she misses you so much… she reminds me so much of you… you taught her well… she is such a young lady and a diva. That gal has me wrapped around her finger but you knew that before you transitioned… just think about it being like 10x worse. 

OMG I have so much I want to say to you… let’s see Lay graduated from college and Kemi… well let’s just say whew chii I need a whole bottle of oil to calm that gal down but she is in a leadership position at her job because as you and I always discussed Kemi is a leader but she makes silly mistakes… she is learning though THAT ADULTING IS HARD! Chimari pledged Delta Sigma Theta and Lil’ Derrik switched schools… yep he’s now at Georgia Tech. Marcus is coming out of his shell and he’s actually super cool now… he even talks to us and I think he is Clemson Bound. Myah is on the cheer team and she has adjusted to high school quite well… I think she has a boyfriend… I gotta do a little more digging. Oh, the girl “Myrakel” has a boyfriend and we all met him for Christmas and yes, I told him that I will hurt him if he even tried it so I think he knows better… Lay said she thinks that he is scared of “the girl” so that’s a good thing I guess. Keeghan is in Beta Club but he is still getting into a little trouble… I am doing my best but you know, you know who is completely on his side… I’m always the villain with her. He is in steel band and of course playing basketball. Lay is working an amazing job and I think she is thinking about getting her master’s in counseling… fingers crossed. Ena got his licenses and Barnwell went to the state championship in football but they loss twice. I’m not sure if he’s going to college but I hope so… I’ll let you know when I find out more. Bashaud won the super bowl… Allendale is on the map for real now!

Derrik started a new job and of course he is still addicted to football… he is the super football dad now. Aje started a new job too and moved to a new house… Chinita didn’t win her campaign but she gave that guy a real run and I hope he knows that she doesn’t go way that easily… she will be back and this time I think she’s gonna win! Nicole is waiting on you to visit her because she needs your approval on something BIG… and Ma is waiting on you to visit her as well because she wants to know that you are ok. I think Kywana is waiting on a visit as well. Ms. Sandra said you came to her twice so she’s good but she misses you too LOTS. Tari we hit it big when we “volunTOLD” Ms. Sandra that she was going to be our kids’ God-Mother… she is amazing… she hasn’t missed a beat yet… She’s the Real MVP! Thank you for visiting me by the way and I am sorry for trying to jump on you when you did… I just miss you like crazy… you were so beautiful in my dreams but I expected nothing less than.

Side note: Girl I’m trying this natural thing with my hair… pray for me and Ms. Sandra because she is going to need it 😂

Whew chii why didn’t you tell me dealing with Pat everyday was a job of its own.  She calls for everything😩… and now she’s back working as an interventionist at Fairfax Elementary with me…. Whew chii… Jesus be a fence and a bottle of wine.  But I wouldn’t trade her for anything in this world.

The other day I went through our text messages and I found one that you texted me about how proud you were of me.  I remember our last ride to church… you told me that your heart was leaking again and that you were tired… you don’t know this but that day I went home and cried and prayed for your strength.  You Ktari Vte` were my strength… when you had nothing and I needed something, you produced something from nothing.  For as long as I can remember you were my protector… I could always depend on you for everything.  I know I was a brat and I know that I didn’t always show you but I am so grateful for everything you ever did for me.  I had absolutely no worries… you had me.    

2017 Mother’s Day by coincidence we both had on yellow and you wanted to take a picture with me and I said no because I was upset about something that happened earlier that day… oh how I wish I could take that picture now.  I punish myself often every time I think about missing that opportunity because of my personal feelings.  That was so selfish of me and for that I am extremely sorry.  I am so glad I got to take you to church the last Sunday in December, entire month of January, and the first Sunday in February 2017-2018.  

It makes me feel great on the inside when I am mistaken for you… or when someone says that I look like you. One day I was in CVS and this lady asked me did I know you and I PROUDLY SAID YES! She told me what an inspiration you were to her and how wonderful of a person you were… Now I can’t lie sometimes I look at people like are yall talking about my sister that will cuss you out and bless your soul in the same sentence… but I am glad that people got to experience you, the purest form of you.

Funny story… the day that you transitioned we were all gathered at the hospital and Pat was praying to God that you make into heaven and she said God I know she cuss a little and everyone turned and looked at her and Kemi said “A LITTLE?” It was so funny.  

I want to thank you for all that you did for Keeghan.  Between work and school when he was a baby I depended on you and Ma for everything and you all stepped up to the plate and I am forever grateful.  Honestly, I didn’t realize being a parent was so hard… I was like dang how did Ktari do this from age 13 but you did it with ease… and I know I could never compare to the type of parent you were but I am trying.  Keeghan says that I am getting better by not fussing so much.  

Sometimes I think about how in the world can I pay you back for everything that you have done for me… I can’t… all I can do is protect your legacy by protecting your daughters.  Now “the girl” yeah sometimes chii I want to snap her in two but I wouldn’t trade her for anything in this world.  Oh, and she is EXSPENSIVE… she definitely has your taste in everything. 

What breaks my heart is the fact that I know no matter how much I am there for her… no matter how much money I spend on her… no matter how many conversations we have… I know she would rather have you here with her… I can never take your place in her life and believe me I will never try to do so.  Lay is ok Tari… I know she has been the one that we both worried about but honestly, she helps me more than I could have ever imagined.  You have some strong, determined to succeed girls… everything that you instilled in me, you instilled in them X 100… you should see them… they depend on each other… Lay stepped in as big sister just as you did for her as her auntie/momma.  She is so amazing… she’s gonna change the world.

Ktari I hope you know that I love you so much and I hope I am still making you proud.  I can’t lie because you made everything so easy for me, now I don’t know how to make a decision… well it’s hard for me to make a decision.  Candace always says that if you were here then the television drama that I call my life wouldn’t be happening.  Oh, and Candace and Chad Mack are tying the knot Tari… I know you would’ve been right there with me dancing and having fun… I know she’s gonna miss you there.  But no worries because I am gonna show out for the both of us!  But seriously, I hope I am still making you smile.  

I just want you to know that you left a lot of people heartbroken, lost, and confused.  We are getting things together now… I think or at least I hope.  

I joined Trinity December 30, 2018… and Myrakel is thinking about joining as well… I am not going to force her… it will happen on her time.  Sometimes I catch myself staring at Myrakel because she looks so much like you… and her mannerisms are exactly like yours… BLUNT and SWEET. Man, and when she cheers all I can think about is you being a varsity cheerleader in the 4th grade… she loves it just like you did.  I have to get on Pat sometimes because she tries to keep her locked up in that house… but you know that’s a no go with me… Myrakel talks to me sometimes and when she does I just let her talk… man she misses you… and when she talks and it’s my turn to respond, I can’t find the words to say… the perfect words you would say leaves me and sometimes I am left stuck… but I try. 

When you transition man oh man your dad took it hard. He was dealing with some health issues but everyone knows that he died from a broken heart. When you transitioned you took his heart with you… I know he’s probably being his usual self AGGY AS EVER but know this, I think he would rather be dead with you than alive without you.

I thought about joining you a few times because life was getting too hard for me to handle but then I thought about “the boy” and “the girl” and “the tall girl” and I say I can’t be that selfish to leave them with Pat.

Tell my granny I said hello and I miss her so very much.

Ok I’m rambling but know that I love you DEEP… 

Love always,

Lynn

P.S. I wish you were here to enjoy the City Girls with me… Ahmad put me on to them… one of them is Trina’s god daughter so I already know you would have loved them just like me… their remake of the song I’ll Take Your Man is 🔥… and me knowing you and knowing your type of guy… I know you and Nipsey Hussle are really good friends.  

I love you, I miss you…. Until we meet again.  

18 thoughts on “Dear Ktari,

  1. Omg Lynn the tears that are flowing yet the kool aid smile I have reading this. You did an amazing job once again. You have definitely made Ktari and the rest of us proud. The honesty and the purity in which you expressed your love for your sister and your family is straight priceless. I’m honored to know my life was touched by your family. You guys taught me a lot about true friendship back in the days on Pecan Street. Continue to push forward and know that letters like this will help you make those hard decisions that you would’ve normally spoken directly to Ktari about. I’m so proud of you and thanks for sharing your sister with the masses.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lyndsey,
    All I can say is WOW! As I was reading this the tears began to flow. I am praying for you, your mom and the rest of the family. Continue to honor your sister through your precious memories of her. I LOVE it!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. OMG Cousin. You have me in tears. I don’t know what I would do if I lost one of my siblings. I would probably go crazy. Just know I love you and I’m so very proud of you! 🥰🥰🥰

    Liked by 1 person

  4. After reading all of this, I had to cry.I miss Ktari sooooo much,and the thought of her sometimes hurts my heart. I am so thankful that God lended her to me when he did,because I needed her badly.She was my counselor,cousin,sister,etc all in one.She always gave it to me straight with no hesitation,but I a knew that she loved me and she often told me that she wanted the best for me. I still can’t believe that she’s no longer here,but it’s all in God’s Plan.He sent me Egypt Ktari though,and for that, I am thankful. I love you Tweety Bird,I miss you,and come visit me so that I can get your opinion on something.❤️
    Lynn,this has made my morning reading this too. I love you 😘

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Reading this painted a vivid picture of what true love is. Ktari had a caring heart and a wonderful personality and her life speaks for her daily. She was the epitome of what a strong black woman was. She was my aunt’s strength when she was on dialysis as well. Ktari touched so many people lives in so many ways. I desire to be the same auntie/ mama she was to my daughter and my niece. I meet her when we played ball together and thought she was the funniest and best thing since slice bread. Your mama did a wonderful job raising y’all and it shows through her children and grands everyday. Stay strong and continue to wait on God and Ktari to help you make decisions lol.

    Next time warn us to grab a box of Kleenex before reading when you write about Ktari. 😘

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Lynn, I felt everything emotion you put into writing this. Tears fell as I thought about Ktari and how much I missed her. I was just telling someone how she was the mother of us in school and on trips. The funny thing was, we listened to her. Thank y’all for sharing her with us. I will continue to pray for y’all (family) strength and understanding. ❤️🙏. Great read

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Some of the best individuals in our family have transitioned before what we felt was their time…at that moment. As we have matured over the years and filled the voids they left by attempting to walk in their shoes, even though we clearly wear a different size, we have adjusted to the life He planned for us.

    Looking back over all the life lessons we experienced with them helps us make our day to day decisions with their guardian angel insights. Perhaps He saw that we would never achieve or reach our destiny if He left them here because we stayed under their wings. He knew that He created us to soar each in our own way. Every time He plucked one of them from us was symbolic of the eagle pushing her young out of the nest and encouraging them to fly. We already had all the tools to take flight but we so enjoyed the comforts of home that our wings were clipped so to say.

    We were, are and will continue to always have strong family attachments to one another because “they” wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m thankful that we have all of these memories to share together as we travel along the way. Your post gave each of us a brilliant way to begin celebrating Tari’s Transition Day 😇

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Lynn I loved this and I know Ktari loved it as well. Believe me you are awesome and doing a great job. Ktari is definitely proud of her sister gal. Love you girly keep up the good work🥰😍

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Lynn I love this,this letter had me in tears beautiful and very heart felt I know ya’ll Angel was smiling as she read this may God continue to strengthen ya’ll ❤🙏🙏🙏

    Liked by 1 person

  10. So beautifully written….I had to tell your Uncle Zeke to shut up so I could absorb it all…. but we as we both know when he starts yapping….. what i do know for sure Is Tari is so proud of her baby sister..,😘💜🙏

    Liked by 1 person

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