When I Stopped Circling the Mountain

“When making the decision to begin your healing journey, the first and only step is choosing yourself first over anything and everyone, every day.”  -Lindsey Janelle

Making the decision to begin my healing journey was not an easy decision for me to make because I started thinking about all of the things that I was going to lose.  I started to think about the people that I enjoyed being around and the sex I enjoyed having and I knew I was going to have to give all of that up in order for the healing journey to actually have meaning.  I have been in counseling for 3 years now and I have started my healing journey about 50 times 🤦🏽‍♀️ because I always got distracted and had to start over. 

At the beginning of my journey I thought healing looked like how Tina Turner looked when she started Buddhism in “What’s Love Got to Do with It” or how Stony (Jada Pinkett Smith) looked in “Set It Off” when she cut her hair (hence the haircut) but it was the furthest thing from those ideas.  The beginning of my healing journey looked like Ray Hasek (Steve Zahn) in the movie “Riding in Cars with Boys” when he was trying to become sober from his drug addiction.  I thought I was going to DIE because I “thought” I needed that amazing sex and that fun group of people whom I enjoyed being around.  So just know, those late-night phone calls definitely got answered for that amazing sex, those secret dates definitely happened with him, and I still hung out with that group of people as well because I was looking for that quick fix to soothe my flesh not knowing all awhile I was poisoning my soul.  

**** Sidebar… have you ever asked God to reveal something to you and when he did it was too heavy for you to handle so you asked him to cover it back up… this happens to me more often than not… and I hate to be a Debbie Downer but guess what, it gets worse when you actually invite God along on your healing journey… he’s going to unmask everything and everyone so be prepared.

About a two months ago I was like, “You know what Lynn, I am sick of you… we start something good and then you allow your loneliness, anxiety, and depression to get the best of you and we have to start over… GIRL, get your shit together before you lose me (myself) altogether.” (that’s how I talk to myself) My counselor is always says “Stop circling the mountain Lindsey like the Israelites, peace and happiness are closer than you think but you have to keep on the journey.”  Oh, that hit home deep, deep because prior to her saying that, I asked myself, “Why do I always choose the same man?” (because they were all the same man on the inside, they were just dressed up differently and they were all just as broken as I was)… and why do I find myself stuck in the same mind frame of bitterness and negativity (that group of people I hung around had that same mind frame as well)?” I could only conclude that I attracted what I was putting out… bitterness, negativity, and brokenness.

So, when I decided to become serious about my healing journey I knew there were somethings that I was going to have to give to God… that ABSOLUTELY AMAZING SEX, that relationship I was fighting hard to keep, that group of fun people I enjoyed being around, my anxiety, depression, bitterness, loneliness, the feeling of needing a man to complete me… to put it in simple terms…. I HAD TO GIVE GOD EVERYTHING.  (Truth moment: It took a while for me to give him my depression and anxiety because those were my comfortable places, like the “Lame Man” laying by the pool before Jesus told him to take up his bed and walk.) 

Crazy as it sounds, at the beginning I thought that if I asked God to fix the situations, people included, and give them back to me just how I wanted them to be he would… HE DID, because God is funny that way.  (God said all right, she asked me to fix the situations, people included, and return them back to her then that’s what I will do… to prove to her that me fixing them will do nothing for her because she is still broken.)  So, I took my broken-self back into those situations, around those same people, and guess what, the ending of that chapter was still the same as the previous ones (it was like looking at “The Lion King” and praying for Mufasa to live 😩 knowing that he is going to die every time you watch it).  

When I gave it to God I said to him, “All right listen God I am giving you all of my broken pieces, not for you to fix them and give them back to me, but for you to fix me so that I would never need them again.” 

 What I recently learned is that those situations and that group of people didn’t need me to pray for God to heal them, what they needed was for me to pray for myself so that I could heal myself through God’s GRACE and MERCY.  

What’s different about my healing journey this time is, I am not going to walk in front of God but beside him, hand in hand… showing him that he can trust me, and me completely trusting him; taking the initiative to correct toxic behaviors and cut off toxic traits, to correct my thinking about myself, separating myself from any and all situations that will entice me to revert back to my old ways, and most importantly choosing what brings me peace, joy, and happiness over all earthly and worldly feelings that only soothes my flesh.  

When I made a conscious decision to give EVERYTHING that had me circling the mountain to God for him to use to help me along my healing journey, that was me choosing myself first over anything and everyone.  That decision isn’t one that you make one day, that decision is one that you have to make EVERY DAY.  

Choose you, you’re worth it!

Love,

The Chic Educator

**Disclaimer: I am not perfect and I do have setbacks but I don’t let them stop my healing journey anymore… I keep moving forward because GOD knows that I am not perfect but that’s ok because he also knows that I am becoming more faithful.  

7 thoughts on “When I Stopped Circling the Mountain

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